Healing questions

I've been thinking about healing lately. Well, more like trying not to think about it. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and its been worse this year than ever before. And its hard to know where to stand when all around me, people are talking about how God heals, and praying for the sick and I'm lying in bed because doing anything else just seems like too much effort. But I have these friends that are so freakishly well meaning and caring. They won't let me wallow or forget that they care or that God cares. So I'm left with questions. Oh goody!

Last weekend Murray & I were playing Settlers of Catan (a very addictive board game if you don't know it) with some friends, like we do most weekends. We've recently added a newbe to our ranks. (Its important to ad new people to this game because we're all so practiced that we need someone to lose.) Anyway, my buddy, Brad Jersak has been playing with us recently. Brad has this way of looking at life that is so fresh and childlike.

We were talking about healing, or rather, they were and I was really trying to ignore them and play the stupid game. He was saying that when we ask why stuff happens, or doesn't happen, such as why am I sick, or why doesn't he heal me, we are implying blame. Rather, we need to ask where? Where is Jesus in this? Where is Jesus in my exhausting day? He said we need to stand at the crossroads and grieve, and wait and do battle.

That was a paraphrase. Brad said it all so much better, but basically, when you start with the assumption that God is good and we are in a battle, the questions change. The trouble is, I really hate this battle. We've been in it for so long. And that grieving thing really wrecks me.

So there you go. That's where I am today. Trying to plan a dream interpretation seminar, maintain two different websites and a business, keep three teenagers in school and keep these internal questions from taking over. Basically, I'm a mother in 2007.

This is harder than it looks!

Okay, you know what I hate about writing? Every time I write some thing, I have a hundred different reasons why I shouldn't say what I am trying to say or that I should say it differently, and most of the time, I end up saying, "screw it! I didn't really need to say it anyway." So here's the thing. I'm going to just say it and if it comes out wrong, oh well, who's really going to read this anyway?

So here's what's on my mind today:

I tend to have anti-establishment tendencies. At times to the dismay of my very proper parents, I just think that if you're not questioning things, then how do you really know what you believe about stuff. As a child, I was so concerned with being 'good' and trying to not get into trouble, that I was sure that questioning things was 'bad'.

Not so much now. I've fought long and hard to get rid of 'right and wrong' thinking, 'good and bad' thinking, in order to replace these things with questions such as "what is most helpful?" or "does this build relationship or break down relationship?". I am much more interested in getting to know who people really are than in labeling them, or putting people in little boxes that never fit.


I have noticed that most people tend to build connections based on common ground or mutual interests, some kind of similarity. While I'm sure I do this to some degree, I actually seek out people who are different from me. I enjoy differences. I am fascinated by the differences in people.

On a different note, I am also fascinated by how ticklish my kids are, especially my oldest and how a child can be writhing with what has to be uncomfortable and yet laughing so hard he can hardly breathe. How they ran away when I threaten to tickle them, but still seem more settled and at peace after being tormented for a few minutes. Speaking as someone who has never been ticklish, this is a constant source of wonder. Ahhh, the little things in life.

An Introduction to Me

I've been meaning to start a blog for some time now. Seemed the thing to do. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to actually jump in and write. I've tried keeping a journal in the past, but call me attention starved, or a publicity hound or whatever you may, I just can't see the point in writing to myself. I'm just not that interesting. I mean really! I'm stuck inside my head all day. I really don't need to read about me. So I'll just bless whomever of you that happen to stumble upon this rambling journey of mine with a few of my thoughts from time to time.

I'll be writing about whatever is on my mind. I usually have some issue or topic I'm contemplating at any given time. Everything ranging from the meaning of life and our purpose in it, to daily struggles with helping kids with math homework. Oi! Math!

More to come later....