Reeling, again, still

I'm doing it again. Shutting down, turning inward, isolating. I hate that I have this push to write, whether its from me, or God, or friends, I don't know, but it goes against my natural tendency to get even more quiet when I'm not doing well. It annoys me, like a pebble in my shoe. This need to express myself, to be heard, to connect, when everything in me just wants to be left alone, to spiral down, to sleep.

I realized a while ago that I'm still reeling. When I finally got a diagnosis in March of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I kind of crashed for a while. Then, as I processed, it felt good to be able to let go of the guilt and the "I should be able to's" that I've heaped on myself for the last ten years or more. I thought I was dealing with it. I've been seeing a specialist, tried all kinds of supplements and treatments, spent a lot of money.

But I'm still tired. I still hurt. Nothing seems to work. The straw, that ever-lovin' straw that breaks, was when friends came to pray for me for healing. They were so gracious, so kind. But all that seemed to come up was that I have some issues about church that I need to deal with.

Don't get me wrong. I do have some size large issues about church and I know God is poking at them and wants to deal with them. But when? when is it ever going to be time to be healed? I've dealt with such a boat load of issues in my life its just stupid. Partly because I'm facinated by the process, the way God works, the psycology of it, but also because I really needed to deal with some stuff.

But I could 'deal with my issues' for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean that I'll get to the place where my body actually works like it's supposed to. Like Juanita at Restive Ramblings says, He isn't a Marketplace God. He doesn't barter. He heals because he loves us, not because we do something for Him.

The flip side of that, there's nothing I can do to make it happen. Which means looking at the reality that I may just have to live the rest of my life feeling like I'm 83. I don't know what to do with that. Part of me has to fight that. The other part just wants to go home. I'm too tired to fight.

I don't know how to reconcile the prophetic words that have been spoken, with my everyday reality. You'd think, given that I'm married to a freakin prophet and have had considerable experience in that area myself, that I should be able to write the exam on that one. But the one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you know, how much you understand, it doesn't mean you get to get out of the praticum. You still have to live it. Damn it!

Books in My Head...

I woke up this morning full of ideas... I can see some of you that know me starting to squirm already. You don't know the half of it, because these ideas involve you. And because I am married to a person who is regularly freaked out by my ideas I want to assure you that although I have big ideas, I'm not about to bowl anyone over with them.

Okay, here it is...please just bear with me, I want you to catch the spirit in which I'm going to say this, but totally open and asking for feed back, suggestions, input, etc. I want to write a book. Okay, I don't want to write it. I want to compile it.

I've been reading all these blogs lately and I'm blown away by a number of things: the intensity and rawness of this writing, the caliber of writing, and the topics that are written about.

These are articles and input written, not as you would read in a book, but written from raw emotion, from very real struggles and journeys. The way discussions emerge about God, and who he is and who he sees us as and the fresh perspectives on scripture and grace and church... It's incredible. You could probably find books that touch on all of these subjects, but rarely would you find one written in such real emotion, unsanitized and uncensored of offensive statements.

And I, who have been in the 'Church' my whole life, at least to some degree, have been challenged and inspired more from reading these blogs than by anything I've ever heard in 'Church'.

Here's the other side of the coin: I love missions. I have no desire to go on a missions trip. I do, however, have a burning, compelling, desire to fund missions. We've recently been getting to know Steve & Christina Stewart, leaders of Impact Nations, a missions organization based in Vancouver, BC (that's Canada).
My Dad recently went with them on a trip to the Phillipines.

They have various projects around the world where they set up medical clinics, teach widows to set up sewing businesses, bring in water filtration systems. They also do a lot of praying and healing the sick. Incredible stories. If you'd like to know more about them, go to www.impactnations.com

So here's how this all fits together: I'm into marketing. I can't help it. When I sit in a class in our prophetic training school, during a worship time, people all around me will be seeing visions and praying for people...my head is being bombarded with marketing ideas. I'm over feel guilty about it and moved on to accept that I just have a strange bent. I'm okay with that. I'm hoping you will be, too, once you've heard my idea.

I'd like to start compiling posts and comments from different blogs on various topics and put them into an ebook, then sell that ebook with proceeds going to Impact Nations. That's it in a nutshell. Here's the longer version:

Only those who choose to be involved would be. I certainly wouldn't use any material without permission. My husband, Murray Dueck, is an author that is growing in recognition, so if this book was listed as 'compiled by Murray & Kelly Dueck' it would have a ready market. I'm talking about Elijah List, Graham Cooke's site, our site (www.samuelsmantle.com) and a bunch of others.

For topics, I'm thinking maybe something like a look at grace, or journeys of grace, or, I don't know, stuff about women, for women. We could even make the money raised go specifically towards the widow's sewing project, which is really cool! Check it out on the Impact Nations site. Talk about putting choices back into the hands of women!

We can edit out the really personal stuff and make things as anonymous as people want it, but I think it could be a really cool thing?

Okay, I need input. Please, if you like the idea and have other bolggers that you think might like it, send them over. I haven't been around this bloggersville very long, so you'll have to make the connections, if you are into this.

5 Things I'm Thankful For......Meme

I was tagged by Che to write this meme. To see the original post by John, go here.

I've taken a few days to get to this because I wanted to think about it and not just throw out a bunch of stuff. The thing is, (yes, there's always a thing with me) the really extraordinary thing about my life is how it has been marked by blessing. If one were to see my life through a series of events through time, the sheer amount of blessings in it is truly remarkable. The fact that I can take these things for granted on a dayly basis is just another marker on how much I have really been blessed. So I'll pick a few highlights.

I'm thankful for my husband. After 18 years of marriage, that we not only still love each other, but actually like each other is truly remarkable. He is an extraordinary man and I am so thankful for him.

My kids are a constant source of humour and challenge. When they were little I remember saying to God, "You gave me these children, but you didn't give me the tools I need to raise them!" I'm sure every mother feels this at some point. I have reconciled myself to the fact that, for better or worse, I'm the best they're going to get as far as mothering and that's okay. They make me laugh, cry, they teach me, and challenge me. Many days, they are what keeps me going.

I'm thankful for the freedom to live and explore. The fact that I can speak my mind without fear of retribution, either from those around me or government is such a gift. I was sitting in Starbucks the other day and a police officer came in. I sat there thinking that as I am writing my thoughts for a course I'm teaching, that man has sworn to protect my right to do what I'm doing, with his life if need be, even though he may directly disagree with me. The fact that we have freedom in this country is something many have paid for, but is so prevalent that we can actually live and never realize that we take it for granted.

I'm thankful for music; it is the language of my soul. Not just words, but the notes are many time somehow words enough. There have been periods of my life were I've not had much music around and its quiet and lonely. Music is an expression of my soul and a gateway to my spirit.

Finally, Jesus, the lover of my soul, my center, my reason, my goal, my journey, my everything. He is the one who holds my heart. Thank you, my friend for you.

I'm tagging Juanita.

More of Me, More of Him

I made an interesting discovery yesterday while I was preparing another talk for our iCall evening in a couple of weeks. This evening seminar is an introduction to the iChange Seminars that I do with my friends Trish Warren and Andy Voth. I wanted to do a short talk about the verse that is often quoted as “He must increase and I must decrease” because it is often used an excuse by Christians to hold back and hide from who they are called to be.

The verse is John 3:30 and goes like this: “He must increase, but I must decrease. “ Fairly simple. And when taken just like that, as I've heard all my life, it sounds like some super spiritual comment on how there needs to be less of me and more of Him, which is another line I've heard quoted all my life. The things is, that last line – it's not in the Bible. And the other thing is, that whole line of thinking, it's based on a verse that has been taken totally out of context. Oh, yes, there's that word – context. Ever so important.

When you read the context of this verse, you will see that the one speaking these words is John the Baptist. He is saying to his followers, which were many, that he, John, must decrease, as in lessen in rank or following, and Jesus must increase in rank and following. He was telling his disciples that they needed to follow Jesus instead of him. The Jesus was here now, so they didn't need to keep following John. NOTHING! to do with shutting down parts of yourself or being smaller so that Jesus would be glorified in your life as its always been taught to me! It's not about being holier, or sinning less, or killing the flesh (whatever that means! How do you kill parts of you?).

Okay, some of your may be thinking, uh, what's the problem. Why would you need to be smaller to let God be bigger? But that's the point! That's exactly what I've been taught and have spent most of my life fighting with my very big personality in order to be good, to 'give glory to God'. Think about it. How many of you have bells going off if you were to say, “I'm great! Really great! God did a damn fine job when He made me!” Yeah, I thought so. “I can't say that! It's pride” Or you just see the lists start to role of all the things that you really don't like about yourself. Well, it's crap! No more of this “Less of me and more of Him” stuff.

I suggest a new way, not so new, but new to me. How about “All of me and as much of Him as I can take without being fired to a crisp.”

That's my new motto. Still working on how to actually live that, but it's sure feels good to get it out there. I'm constantly amazed at how those things that we are taught as a child, or even adults, we take on as truth, simply because it works with our belief systems, and not because they are actually truth.

So there you go. That's my perspective on John 3:30. Have fun with that. And be great!