I'm doing it again. Shutting down, turning inward, isolating. I hate that I have this push to write, whether its from me, or God, or friends, I don't know, but it goes against my natural tendency to get even more quiet when I'm not doing well. It annoys me, like a pebble in my shoe. This need to express myself, to be heard, to connect, when everything in me just wants to be left alone, to spiral down, to sleep.
I realized a while ago that I'm still reeling. When I finally got a diagnosis in March of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I kind of crashed for a while. Then, as I processed, it felt good to be able to let go of the guilt and the "I should be able to's" that I've heaped on myself for the last ten years or more. I thought I was dealing with it. I've been seeing a specialist, tried all kinds of supplements and treatments, spent a lot of money.
But I'm still tired. I still hurt. Nothing seems to work. The straw, that ever-lovin' straw that breaks, was when friends came to pray for me for healing. They were so gracious, so kind. But all that seemed to come up was that I have some issues about church that I need to deal with.
Don't get me wrong. I do have some size large issues about church and I know God is poking at them and wants to deal with them. But when? when is it ever going to be time to be healed? I've dealt with such a boat load of issues in my life its just stupid. Partly because I'm facinated by the process, the way God works, the psycology of it, but also because I really needed to deal with some stuff.
But I could 'deal with my issues' for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean that I'll get to the place where my body actually works like it's supposed to. Like Juanita at Restive Ramblings says, He isn't a Marketplace God. He doesn't barter. He heals because he loves us, not because we do something for Him.
The flip side of that, there's nothing I can do to make it happen. Which means looking at the reality that I may just have to live the rest of my life feeling like I'm 83. I don't know what to do with that. Part of me has to fight that. The other part just wants to go home. I'm too tired to fight.
I don't know how to reconcile the prophetic words that have been spoken, with my everyday reality. You'd think, given that I'm married to a freakin prophet and have had considerable experience in that area myself, that I should be able to write the exam on that one. But the one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you know, how much you understand, it doesn't mean you get to get out of the praticum. You still have to live it. Damn it!
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Kelly - thanks for your post. I identify.
As a side note, have you heard of Dr. Lowe? www.drlowe.com and http://mcdowellpublishing.com/ - he wrote a book called "The Metabolic Treatment of Fibromyalgia" and has had huge success with complete remission of symptoms for his patients. His approach is outside mainstream/conventional medicine, though...I don't know if you're interested in that sort of stuff but I've learned a lot from him. A lot of what I'm dealing with physically intersects with CFS/fibro.
I truly believe that we still have a chance at being healthy...but it's not necessarily going to be God hitting us with lightning and giving us instant healing. I think if God instantly healed me today, I'd miss out on the transformation that's happening from the inside out because of being sick. I'd never learn to rest, to be, to find my identity in something other than constant doing. I'd never learn to live and enjoy every moment, be thankful for every bit of energy; I'd never learn how to refuse to take anything for granted. There's good in this time, there is. Even though it's hell and no one really understands.
Blessings to you...
Hey, kell, I hear ya.
Get it, too..
Love you.
Hi Heidi,
thanks. I'll check out the website. I haven't heard of him. I've tried a lot of alternative medicine options. My doctor actually does both, which is unusual.
I know there's good. When I wrote my post yesterday, I was at a low point. I'm feeling somewhat better today. Knowing that depression is a physical symptom helps me ride it out. But your writing has been really encouraging to read as well. Just hearing a similar journey from a different perspective helps.
Che, thanks. Love you too. Are you feeling better yet?
Starting to, but still see spots when I sit up for more than 15 minutes..
I find it interesting that your description of where you are at...so familiar.
I watch as many of us are walking this maze...ever kinda wonder if there is a pattern we are just missing?
Glad today is better for you....I still haven't quite squashed the impulse to want to run in, sword swinging, and 'fix' whatever is wrong.....:)
"No matter how much you know, how much you understand, it doesn't mean you get to get out of the praticum. You still have to live it. Damn it!"
This is really well said Kelly. For me, experience is where I do my best learning and it is also where I get to have my best testimonies.
I hope you you experience some good from the bad and especially, I am praying for some "no strings attached" good things for you.
Hey Kelly....I really feel for you. Even though I haven't experienced your desert, I have experienced mine and done my own ranting before the Lord. I love your honesty.
You said that there is nothing you can do to make it happen but I believe there is. What I have learned with inner healing is that the Lord requires our permission to do surgery. I'm sure you already know this, but remember to check in with your heart that you are willing to let the Holy Spirit take you one layer deeper on next leg of your journey. In fact, I'm sure its the homestretch.
Hey Kelly, you've been tagged
Oh, shoot!
Mike got here before I did!
I tagged you too!
mwu hahahahahahahaha
lol... you guys are funny. and i'm looking forward to hearing about your quirks, Kelly! :)
I just found your blog this morning, and I have to say, I resonate with your sentiments in the post quite a bit, both on the whole health question (tho my issues are a bit different) and the whole frustration with prophecy not lining up with current reality and the practicum stuff not being so fun sometimes. Thanks for your honesty, and know that you have one more sister in Christ adding her prayers to the censer... it'll tip, one of these days. It will.
Peace be with you.
love,
Happy
p.s. I have to ask - has your specialist addressed the yeast question yet? I stumbled across a book last year called The Yeast Connection, and it's crazy how many diseases/illnesses are caused by imbalances with yeast... if you want to know more, let me know and I can hook you up with some good research.
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