What might be possible?

I have a meeting tonight with the team that I'm working with on the seminars that we do, called iChange seminars. I'm supposed to report on what I've been working on for our iCall evening, an introduction to our other seminars. The question we're asking in that evening is "Why does one need a mission, or why do you need to know what you are called to do?" I'm supposed to talk about how insecurity holds us back from things. So, since I need to work it out in my head and I have this little blog thingy going, I'm just going to write what I'm thinking and you can give me feed back. I might even be able to mess with your heads a little in the process, cause that's what I really enjoy. So here goes:

Insecurity is not knowing or not believing that you have the right or ability to stand where you are called to stand. Do you know where you called to stand? Who you are called to stand as?

Insecurity is fear about who you are and fear that you aren't good enough or that you are not allowed to be who you are, where you are. The flip side is the love and joy and acceptance of who you are and where you are, knowing that Jesus is with you there.

If you were entirely confident in who you are, in where you are, and that He is with you there, and 100% for you, what might be possible?

For many, that would change everything. For others, that would change significant part of your life. Is there any that wouldn't be changed?

Take a minute to get quiet. Take inventory and notice the areas in your life that you're not secure in. That you're unsure of yourself. That you don't have a clear purpose in. Notice where the insecurity is around who you are and where its around what you do. Notice where you feel like God isn't there with you.

Pick one area and ask these questions: What might it be like if I knew who I am and where I am is accepted, important, commissioned, loved? What might it be like if I knew that Jesus is 100% for me here? The He will not turn away, look away, be angry, be distant. That He is 100% committed to walking this journey with me? What might this be like? What could be possible then?


When I asked these questions of myself, in the area of finances, this was my response: (I chose this area because it is an ongoing area of growth, where, although we don't lack from money coming in, Murray and I are both not so good with managing money.)

I felt scared, uncertain, confused, in denial, not sure of where to stand or what to do. If I knew who I am in this area, I would use my authority instead of not looking, avoiding, crying for help. If I knew where to stand, I'd stop worrying about worrying Murray and saying 'no' to the kids, and do what needs to be done. I'd stand in relationship with Jesus instead of expecting Him to look away.
If I knew He is for me here, not distant or uncaring, I would speak the word with Him, and expect victory over debt, release of finances for the kingdom. I'd expect to have fun with money.

So the thing is, I know these things with my mind, and have already walked these places to some degree. So why am I still not living it, believing it?

Healing questions

I've been thinking about healing lately. Well, more like trying not to think about it. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and its been worse this year than ever before. And its hard to know where to stand when all around me, people are talking about how God heals, and praying for the sick and I'm lying in bed because doing anything else just seems like too much effort. But I have these friends that are so freakishly well meaning and caring. They won't let me wallow or forget that they care or that God cares. So I'm left with questions. Oh goody!

Last weekend Murray & I were playing Settlers of Catan (a very addictive board game if you don't know it) with some friends, like we do most weekends. We've recently added a newbe to our ranks. (Its important to ad new people to this game because we're all so practiced that we need someone to lose.) Anyway, my buddy, Brad Jersak has been playing with us recently. Brad has this way of looking at life that is so fresh and childlike.

We were talking about healing, or rather, they were and I was really trying to ignore them and play the stupid game. He was saying that when we ask why stuff happens, or doesn't happen, such as why am I sick, or why doesn't he heal me, we are implying blame. Rather, we need to ask where? Where is Jesus in this? Where is Jesus in my exhausting day? He said we need to stand at the crossroads and grieve, and wait and do battle.

That was a paraphrase. Brad said it all so much better, but basically, when you start with the assumption that God is good and we are in a battle, the questions change. The trouble is, I really hate this battle. We've been in it for so long. And that grieving thing really wrecks me.

So there you go. That's where I am today. Trying to plan a dream interpretation seminar, maintain two different websites and a business, keep three teenagers in school and keep these internal questions from taking over. Basically, I'm a mother in 2007.

Hiding again?!

Had an interesting conversation with my friend Che today. Our conversations are always interesting and usually one or both of us is in tears at some point, to my continuing disgust. But here's what I'm thinking about. This whole blogging thing is messing me up! I'm kind of enjoying watching the struggle as I vacillate between erasing the whole thing and just wanting to write. Feeling like I have things to say that need to be said and that I'm answering questions that nobody's asking.

What's really telling is how much I really just want to erase this and walk away. Then Che, wonderful person that she is, brings up the phrase, "being seen", which my little brain automatically translates to "You're hiding again."

Crap! To say it nicely. I thought I had gotten rid of that nasty little habit. You see, I've spent most of my life playing it safe, in order to 'be good', as previously stated. While it's true that I have taken quite a few significant risks over the years, those risks have actually brought me more safety. The word 'hiding' for me has become synonymous with keeping my mouth shut and being good in order to avoid conflict or judgment. I hate that!

So, here I am, still typing and not erasing. To quote Graham Cooke, "Oh that you would risk more..." So that's all I have to say for now. I'm going stew some more. What exactly does that say about me that I'm enjoying watching myself struggle?

This is harder than it looks!

Okay, you know what I hate about writing? Every time I write some thing, I have a hundred different reasons why I shouldn't say what I am trying to say or that I should say it differently, and most of the time, I end up saying, "screw it! I didn't really need to say it anyway." So here's the thing. I'm going to just say it and if it comes out wrong, oh well, who's really going to read this anyway?

So here's what's on my mind today:

I tend to have anti-establishment tendencies. At times to the dismay of my very proper parents, I just think that if you're not questioning things, then how do you really know what you believe about stuff. As a child, I was so concerned with being 'good' and trying to not get into trouble, that I was sure that questioning things was 'bad'.

Not so much now. I've fought long and hard to get rid of 'right and wrong' thinking, 'good and bad' thinking, in order to replace these things with questions such as "what is most helpful?" or "does this build relationship or break down relationship?". I am much more interested in getting to know who people really are than in labeling them, or putting people in little boxes that never fit.


I have noticed that most people tend to build connections based on common ground or mutual interests, some kind of similarity. While I'm sure I do this to some degree, I actually seek out people who are different from me. I enjoy differences. I am fascinated by the differences in people.

On a different note, I am also fascinated by how ticklish my kids are, especially my oldest and how a child can be writhing with what has to be uncomfortable and yet laughing so hard he can hardly breathe. How they ran away when I threaten to tickle them, but still seem more settled and at peace after being tormented for a few minutes. Speaking as someone who has never been ticklish, this is a constant source of wonder. Ahhh, the little things in life.

An Introduction to Me

I've been meaning to start a blog for some time now. Seemed the thing to do. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to actually jump in and write. I've tried keeping a journal in the past, but call me attention starved, or a publicity hound or whatever you may, I just can't see the point in writing to myself. I'm just not that interesting. I mean really! I'm stuck inside my head all day. I really don't need to read about me. So I'll just bless whomever of you that happen to stumble upon this rambling journey of mine with a few of my thoughts from time to time.

I'll be writing about whatever is on my mind. I usually have some issue or topic I'm contemplating at any given time. Everything ranging from the meaning of life and our purpose in it, to daily struggles with helping kids with math homework. Oi! Math!

More to come later....