Reeling, again, still

I'm doing it again. Shutting down, turning inward, isolating. I hate that I have this push to write, whether its from me, or God, or friends, I don't know, but it goes against my natural tendency to get even more quiet when I'm not doing well. It annoys me, like a pebble in my shoe. This need to express myself, to be heard, to connect, when everything in me just wants to be left alone, to spiral down, to sleep.

I realized a while ago that I'm still reeling. When I finally got a diagnosis in March of chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I kind of crashed for a while. Then, as I processed, it felt good to be able to let go of the guilt and the "I should be able to's" that I've heaped on myself for the last ten years or more. I thought I was dealing with it. I've been seeing a specialist, tried all kinds of supplements and treatments, spent a lot of money.

But I'm still tired. I still hurt. Nothing seems to work. The straw, that ever-lovin' straw that breaks, was when friends came to pray for me for healing. They were so gracious, so kind. But all that seemed to come up was that I have some issues about church that I need to deal with.

Don't get me wrong. I do have some size large issues about church and I know God is poking at them and wants to deal with them. But when? when is it ever going to be time to be healed? I've dealt with such a boat load of issues in my life its just stupid. Partly because I'm facinated by the process, the way God works, the psycology of it, but also because I really needed to deal with some stuff.

But I could 'deal with my issues' for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean that I'll get to the place where my body actually works like it's supposed to. Like Juanita at Restive Ramblings says, He isn't a Marketplace God. He doesn't barter. He heals because he loves us, not because we do something for Him.

The flip side of that, there's nothing I can do to make it happen. Which means looking at the reality that I may just have to live the rest of my life feeling like I'm 83. I don't know what to do with that. Part of me has to fight that. The other part just wants to go home. I'm too tired to fight.

I don't know how to reconcile the prophetic words that have been spoken, with my everyday reality. You'd think, given that I'm married to a freakin prophet and have had considerable experience in that area myself, that I should be able to write the exam on that one. But the one thing I've learned is that no matter how much you know, how much you understand, it doesn't mean you get to get out of the praticum. You still have to live it. Damn it!

Books in My Head...

I woke up this morning full of ideas... I can see some of you that know me starting to squirm already. You don't know the half of it, because these ideas involve you. And because I am married to a person who is regularly freaked out by my ideas I want to assure you that although I have big ideas, I'm not about to bowl anyone over with them.

Okay, here it is...please just bear with me, I want you to catch the spirit in which I'm going to say this, but totally open and asking for feed back, suggestions, input, etc. I want to write a book. Okay, I don't want to write it. I want to compile it.

I've been reading all these blogs lately and I'm blown away by a number of things: the intensity and rawness of this writing, the caliber of writing, and the topics that are written about.

These are articles and input written, not as you would read in a book, but written from raw emotion, from very real struggles and journeys. The way discussions emerge about God, and who he is and who he sees us as and the fresh perspectives on scripture and grace and church... It's incredible. You could probably find books that touch on all of these subjects, but rarely would you find one written in such real emotion, unsanitized and uncensored of offensive statements.

And I, who have been in the 'Church' my whole life, at least to some degree, have been challenged and inspired more from reading these blogs than by anything I've ever heard in 'Church'.

Here's the other side of the coin: I love missions. I have no desire to go on a missions trip. I do, however, have a burning, compelling, desire to fund missions. We've recently been getting to know Steve & Christina Stewart, leaders of Impact Nations, a missions organization based in Vancouver, BC (that's Canada).
My Dad recently went with them on a trip to the Phillipines.

They have various projects around the world where they set up medical clinics, teach widows to set up sewing businesses, bring in water filtration systems. They also do a lot of praying and healing the sick. Incredible stories. If you'd like to know more about them, go to www.impactnations.com

So here's how this all fits together: I'm into marketing. I can't help it. When I sit in a class in our prophetic training school, during a worship time, people all around me will be seeing visions and praying for people...my head is being bombarded with marketing ideas. I'm over feel guilty about it and moved on to accept that I just have a strange bent. I'm okay with that. I'm hoping you will be, too, once you've heard my idea.

I'd like to start compiling posts and comments from different blogs on various topics and put them into an ebook, then sell that ebook with proceeds going to Impact Nations. That's it in a nutshell. Here's the longer version:

Only those who choose to be involved would be. I certainly wouldn't use any material without permission. My husband, Murray Dueck, is an author that is growing in recognition, so if this book was listed as 'compiled by Murray & Kelly Dueck' it would have a ready market. I'm talking about Elijah List, Graham Cooke's site, our site (www.samuelsmantle.com) and a bunch of others.

For topics, I'm thinking maybe something like a look at grace, or journeys of grace, or, I don't know, stuff about women, for women. We could even make the money raised go specifically towards the widow's sewing project, which is really cool! Check it out on the Impact Nations site. Talk about putting choices back into the hands of women!

We can edit out the really personal stuff and make things as anonymous as people want it, but I think it could be a really cool thing?

Okay, I need input. Please, if you like the idea and have other bolggers that you think might like it, send them over. I haven't been around this bloggersville very long, so you'll have to make the connections, if you are into this.

5 Things I'm Thankful For......Meme

I was tagged by Che to write this meme. To see the original post by John, go here.

I've taken a few days to get to this because I wanted to think about it and not just throw out a bunch of stuff. The thing is, (yes, there's always a thing with me) the really extraordinary thing about my life is how it has been marked by blessing. If one were to see my life through a series of events through time, the sheer amount of blessings in it is truly remarkable. The fact that I can take these things for granted on a dayly basis is just another marker on how much I have really been blessed. So I'll pick a few highlights.

I'm thankful for my husband. After 18 years of marriage, that we not only still love each other, but actually like each other is truly remarkable. He is an extraordinary man and I am so thankful for him.

My kids are a constant source of humour and challenge. When they were little I remember saying to God, "You gave me these children, but you didn't give me the tools I need to raise them!" I'm sure every mother feels this at some point. I have reconciled myself to the fact that, for better or worse, I'm the best they're going to get as far as mothering and that's okay. They make me laugh, cry, they teach me, and challenge me. Many days, they are what keeps me going.

I'm thankful for the freedom to live and explore. The fact that I can speak my mind without fear of retribution, either from those around me or government is such a gift. I was sitting in Starbucks the other day and a police officer came in. I sat there thinking that as I am writing my thoughts for a course I'm teaching, that man has sworn to protect my right to do what I'm doing, with his life if need be, even though he may directly disagree with me. The fact that we have freedom in this country is something many have paid for, but is so prevalent that we can actually live and never realize that we take it for granted.

I'm thankful for music; it is the language of my soul. Not just words, but the notes are many time somehow words enough. There have been periods of my life were I've not had much music around and its quiet and lonely. Music is an expression of my soul and a gateway to my spirit.

Finally, Jesus, the lover of my soul, my center, my reason, my goal, my journey, my everything. He is the one who holds my heart. Thank you, my friend for you.

I'm tagging Juanita.

More of Me, More of Him

I made an interesting discovery yesterday while I was preparing another talk for our iCall evening in a couple of weeks. This evening seminar is an introduction to the iChange Seminars that I do with my friends Trish Warren and Andy Voth. I wanted to do a short talk about the verse that is often quoted as “He must increase and I must decrease” because it is often used an excuse by Christians to hold back and hide from who they are called to be.

The verse is John 3:30 and goes like this: “He must increase, but I must decrease. “ Fairly simple. And when taken just like that, as I've heard all my life, it sounds like some super spiritual comment on how there needs to be less of me and more of Him, which is another line I've heard quoted all my life. The things is, that last line – it's not in the Bible. And the other thing is, that whole line of thinking, it's based on a verse that has been taken totally out of context. Oh, yes, there's that word – context. Ever so important.

When you read the context of this verse, you will see that the one speaking these words is John the Baptist. He is saying to his followers, which were many, that he, John, must decrease, as in lessen in rank or following, and Jesus must increase in rank and following. He was telling his disciples that they needed to follow Jesus instead of him. The Jesus was here now, so they didn't need to keep following John. NOTHING! to do with shutting down parts of yourself or being smaller so that Jesus would be glorified in your life as its always been taught to me! It's not about being holier, or sinning less, or killing the flesh (whatever that means! How do you kill parts of you?).

Okay, some of your may be thinking, uh, what's the problem. Why would you need to be smaller to let God be bigger? But that's the point! That's exactly what I've been taught and have spent most of my life fighting with my very big personality in order to be good, to 'give glory to God'. Think about it. How many of you have bells going off if you were to say, “I'm great! Really great! God did a damn fine job when He made me!” Yeah, I thought so. “I can't say that! It's pride” Or you just see the lists start to role of all the things that you really don't like about yourself. Well, it's crap! No more of this “Less of me and more of Him” stuff.

I suggest a new way, not so new, but new to me. How about “All of me and as much of Him as I can take without being fired to a crisp.”

That's my new motto. Still working on how to actually live that, but it's sure feels good to get it out there. I'm constantly amazed at how those things that we are taught as a child, or even adults, we take on as truth, simply because it works with our belief systems, and not because they are actually truth.

So there you go. That's my perspective on John 3:30. Have fun with that. And be great!

What might be possible?

I have a meeting tonight with the team that I'm working with on the seminars that we do, called iChange seminars. I'm supposed to report on what I've been working on for our iCall evening, an introduction to our other seminars. The question we're asking in that evening is "Why does one need a mission, or why do you need to know what you are called to do?" I'm supposed to talk about how insecurity holds us back from things. So, since I need to work it out in my head and I have this little blog thingy going, I'm just going to write what I'm thinking and you can give me feed back. I might even be able to mess with your heads a little in the process, cause that's what I really enjoy. So here goes:

Insecurity is not knowing or not believing that you have the right or ability to stand where you are called to stand. Do you know where you called to stand? Who you are called to stand as?

Insecurity is fear about who you are and fear that you aren't good enough or that you are not allowed to be who you are, where you are. The flip side is the love and joy and acceptance of who you are and where you are, knowing that Jesus is with you there.

If you were entirely confident in who you are, in where you are, and that He is with you there, and 100% for you, what might be possible?

For many, that would change everything. For others, that would change significant part of your life. Is there any that wouldn't be changed?

Take a minute to get quiet. Take inventory and notice the areas in your life that you're not secure in. That you're unsure of yourself. That you don't have a clear purpose in. Notice where the insecurity is around who you are and where its around what you do. Notice where you feel like God isn't there with you.

Pick one area and ask these questions: What might it be like if I knew who I am and where I am is accepted, important, commissioned, loved? What might it be like if I knew that Jesus is 100% for me here? The He will not turn away, look away, be angry, be distant. That He is 100% committed to walking this journey with me? What might this be like? What could be possible then?


When I asked these questions of myself, in the area of finances, this was my response: (I chose this area because it is an ongoing area of growth, where, although we don't lack from money coming in, Murray and I are both not so good with managing money.)

I felt scared, uncertain, confused, in denial, not sure of where to stand or what to do. If I knew who I am in this area, I would use my authority instead of not looking, avoiding, crying for help. If I knew where to stand, I'd stop worrying about worrying Murray and saying 'no' to the kids, and do what needs to be done. I'd stand in relationship with Jesus instead of expecting Him to look away.
If I knew He is for me here, not distant or uncaring, I would speak the word with Him, and expect victory over debt, release of finances for the kingdom. I'd expect to have fun with money.

So the thing is, I know these things with my mind, and have already walked these places to some degree. So why am I still not living it, believing it?

Healing questions

I've been thinking about healing lately. Well, more like trying not to think about it. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and its been worse this year than ever before. And its hard to know where to stand when all around me, people are talking about how God heals, and praying for the sick and I'm lying in bed because doing anything else just seems like too much effort. But I have these friends that are so freakishly well meaning and caring. They won't let me wallow or forget that they care or that God cares. So I'm left with questions. Oh goody!

Last weekend Murray & I were playing Settlers of Catan (a very addictive board game if you don't know it) with some friends, like we do most weekends. We've recently added a newbe to our ranks. (Its important to ad new people to this game because we're all so practiced that we need someone to lose.) Anyway, my buddy, Brad Jersak has been playing with us recently. Brad has this way of looking at life that is so fresh and childlike.

We were talking about healing, or rather, they were and I was really trying to ignore them and play the stupid game. He was saying that when we ask why stuff happens, or doesn't happen, such as why am I sick, or why doesn't he heal me, we are implying blame. Rather, we need to ask where? Where is Jesus in this? Where is Jesus in my exhausting day? He said we need to stand at the crossroads and grieve, and wait and do battle.

That was a paraphrase. Brad said it all so much better, but basically, when you start with the assumption that God is good and we are in a battle, the questions change. The trouble is, I really hate this battle. We've been in it for so long. And that grieving thing really wrecks me.

So there you go. That's where I am today. Trying to plan a dream interpretation seminar, maintain two different websites and a business, keep three teenagers in school and keep these internal questions from taking over. Basically, I'm a mother in 2007.

Hiding again?!

Had an interesting conversation with my friend Che today. Our conversations are always interesting and usually one or both of us is in tears at some point, to my continuing disgust. But here's what I'm thinking about. This whole blogging thing is messing me up! I'm kind of enjoying watching the struggle as I vacillate between erasing the whole thing and just wanting to write. Feeling like I have things to say that need to be said and that I'm answering questions that nobody's asking.

What's really telling is how much I really just want to erase this and walk away. Then Che, wonderful person that she is, brings up the phrase, "being seen", which my little brain automatically translates to "You're hiding again."

Crap! To say it nicely. I thought I had gotten rid of that nasty little habit. You see, I've spent most of my life playing it safe, in order to 'be good', as previously stated. While it's true that I have taken quite a few significant risks over the years, those risks have actually brought me more safety. The word 'hiding' for me has become synonymous with keeping my mouth shut and being good in order to avoid conflict or judgment. I hate that!

So, here I am, still typing and not erasing. To quote Graham Cooke, "Oh that you would risk more..." So that's all I have to say for now. I'm going stew some more. What exactly does that say about me that I'm enjoying watching myself struggle?

This is harder than it looks!

Okay, you know what I hate about writing? Every time I write some thing, I have a hundred different reasons why I shouldn't say what I am trying to say or that I should say it differently, and most of the time, I end up saying, "screw it! I didn't really need to say it anyway." So here's the thing. I'm going to just say it and if it comes out wrong, oh well, who's really going to read this anyway?

So here's what's on my mind today:

I tend to have anti-establishment tendencies. At times to the dismay of my very proper parents, I just think that if you're not questioning things, then how do you really know what you believe about stuff. As a child, I was so concerned with being 'good' and trying to not get into trouble, that I was sure that questioning things was 'bad'.

Not so much now. I've fought long and hard to get rid of 'right and wrong' thinking, 'good and bad' thinking, in order to replace these things with questions such as "what is most helpful?" or "does this build relationship or break down relationship?". I am much more interested in getting to know who people really are than in labeling them, or putting people in little boxes that never fit.


I have noticed that most people tend to build connections based on common ground or mutual interests, some kind of similarity. While I'm sure I do this to some degree, I actually seek out people who are different from me. I enjoy differences. I am fascinated by the differences in people.

On a different note, I am also fascinated by how ticklish my kids are, especially my oldest and how a child can be writhing with what has to be uncomfortable and yet laughing so hard he can hardly breathe. How they ran away when I threaten to tickle them, but still seem more settled and at peace after being tormented for a few minutes. Speaking as someone who has never been ticklish, this is a constant source of wonder. Ahhh, the little things in life.

An Introduction to Me

I've been meaning to start a blog for some time now. Seemed the thing to do. I just haven't been able to motivate myself to actually jump in and write. I've tried keeping a journal in the past, but call me attention starved, or a publicity hound or whatever you may, I just can't see the point in writing to myself. I'm just not that interesting. I mean really! I'm stuck inside my head all day. I really don't need to read about me. So I'll just bless whomever of you that happen to stumble upon this rambling journey of mine with a few of my thoughts from time to time.

I'll be writing about whatever is on my mind. I usually have some issue or topic I'm contemplating at any given time. Everything ranging from the meaning of life and our purpose in it, to daily struggles with helping kids with math homework. Oi! Math!

More to come later....