Hiding again?!

Had an interesting conversation with my friend Che today. Our conversations are always interesting and usually one or both of us is in tears at some point, to my continuing disgust. But here's what I'm thinking about. This whole blogging thing is messing me up! I'm kind of enjoying watching the struggle as I vacillate between erasing the whole thing and just wanting to write. Feeling like I have things to say that need to be said and that I'm answering questions that nobody's asking.

What's really telling is how much I really just want to erase this and walk away. Then Che, wonderful person that she is, brings up the phrase, "being seen", which my little brain automatically translates to "You're hiding again."

Crap! To say it nicely. I thought I had gotten rid of that nasty little habit. You see, I've spent most of my life playing it safe, in order to 'be good', as previously stated. While it's true that I have taken quite a few significant risks over the years, those risks have actually brought me more safety. The word 'hiding' for me has become synonymous with keeping my mouth shut and being good in order to avoid conflict or judgment. I hate that!

So, here I am, still typing and not erasing. To quote Graham Cooke, "Oh that you would risk more..." So that's all I have to say for now. I'm going stew some more. What exactly does that say about me that I'm enjoying watching myself struggle?